Passive-aggressive behavior: examples and how to respond

CareOps editorial team · October 28, 2026 · 9 min read

Mental wellness information and service guidance published by CareOps.

You say “I'm fine” and then close the door a little too hard. You agree to a favor and leave it until the last minute. Instead of saying you felt hurt, you joke, “Well, you're obviously very busy.” You never said you were angry, yet the anger got through. This is what people usually call passive-aggressive behavior. Here is what it means, what it looks like, why it happens and what you can do whether you are on the receiving end or the one doing it.

What does passive-aggressive mean? #

Passive-aggressive behavior means expressing anger, displeasure or disagreement through indirect actions instead of words. Rather than refusing openly or raising the issue, a person delays, answers curtly or makes a pointed joke. Because they say “It's fine” or “Sure,” there seems to be no conflict, yet the other person senses something is wrong without knowing what it is.

It helps to see passive aggression as one way of handling anger rather than a label for a type of person. Anyone may speak indirectly when it feels hard to say they are angry. When it hardens into a habit, though, conflicts never get resolved and only pile up.

Passive-aggressive behavior examples #

• The silent treatment: when hurt, avoiding conversation all day without explaining why.
• Saying “I'm fine” while sulking: answering that everything is fine while your face and tone say otherwise.
• Procrastinating on purpose: accepting a favor you didn't want to do, then putting it off until the deadline or doing it half-heartedly.
• “Forgetting”: letting an unwelcome plan or request slide with “Oh, I forgot.”
• Sarcasm and pointed jokes: hiding complaints in praise or jokes, like “Wow, aren't you impressive” or “Well, I'm always free, apparently.”
• Complaining to others instead: saying nothing to the person involved while venting to someone else so the message travels around.

Not every silence is passive-aggressive. Pausing because emotions are overflowing in an argument is different from going quiet on purpose to make the other person anxious. That difference is explained in more detail in withdrawing during conflict.

Passive-aggressive phrases and what they may mean #

Passive-aggressive phrases usually hide something unsaid. Below are common expressions, the feeling that may sit underneath, and a way to say that feeling directly.

Passive aggression vs. aggression vs. assertiveness #

Ways of expressing anger can be sorted into three. Aggression directs anger at the other person openly, such as shouting or blaming. Passive aggression hides the anger and lets it out indirectly. Both can hurt the other person, and neither solves the problem. The third way, assertiveness, means stating your feelings and needs clearly while respecting the other person.

If anger bursting out is more of a concern for you, see anger self-checks and how to manage anger.

Is passive-aggressive personality disorder a real diagnosis? #

In the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual (DSM), passive-aggressive personality disorder could be diagnosed until DSM-IV (1994). In DSM-IV it was renamed “negativistic personality disorder,” broadened and moved out of the main text into an appendix (Hopwood & Wright, 2012). It was then left out of the list of diagnoses in DSM-5 (Laverdière et al., 2019).

That doesn't mean the idea has lost its value. A study of a large clinical sample (Hopwood et al., 2009) found that the construct holds together as a single dimension and is fairly stable over time. In a study of 240 patients before treatment (Laverdière et al., 2019), higher passive-aggressive traits were linked to more distress in relationships, especially problems of a vindictive, getting-even kind. It is best not to label yourself or someone else with a personality disorder based on an online quiz.

Why do people become passive-aggressive? #

There isn't one established cause, but here is one way to make sense of it. If you grew up in a home where getting angry meant being punished or the room going cold, you may have learned that anger must never show. Fear that saying no will break a relationship, or being in a position where you can't speak openly, such as facing a boss, can also push anger into indirect forms. In the study above (Hopwood et al., 2009), passive-aggressive traits were also related to a range of personality traits and childhood experiences. If you tend to go along with others until resentment builds, see good child complex.

How to deal with passive-aggressive people #

1. Name the behavior, not the personality: instead of “You're so passive-aggressive,” describe what you saw, like “The things I've asked for keep running late lately.”
2. Ask about the feeling underneath: open the door to saying it directly: “You said you're fine, but you don't look it. If something upset you, will you tell me?”
3. Don't answer sarcasm with sarcasm: firing back only escalates things. Take a breath and calmly ask, “What did you mean by that?”
4. Make agreements specific: settle who will do what by when, and there is less room for “I forgot.”
5. Separate your part from theirs: it is not your job to fix all of someone else's feelings. Invite a conversation as far as you can, and if it keeps wearing you down, stepping back is also an option.

If you're the passive-aggressive one: becoming more assertive #

1. Notice the anger: when your answers get short or you want to put something off, name it to yourself: “I'm angry right now.”
2. Speak from “I”: “When (situation) happened, I felt (feeling). Next time, I'd like (request).” One sentence is enough.
3. If you can't say it now, set a time: try “I can't put this into words yet. Let's talk this evening.”
4. Say no before you accept, not after: saying “I can't this time” up front is better for the relationship than agreeing and stalling.
5. Start small: practice voicing your opinion where the stakes are low, like choosing where to eat.

If guilt rushes in after you say no, read feeling guilty after saying no. For ways to settle your body and mind first when anger rises, see how to regulate emotions.

How do you handle conflict? A conflict style check #

The CareOps conflict style check (CRSI) is not a passive-aggression test. It looks at how often you use four approaches in an argument: working it out, engaging in conflict, withdrawing and giving in, based on Kurdek's (1994) research on couples. If withdrawing or giving in scores high, it may be worth asking whether unspoken feelings are leaking out in other forms. You can take it right away, with no login.

If you want to practice saying what you hold back #

Passive aggression usually starts with feelings that went unsaid. CareOps Maeumi is an AI counseling app that runs sessions with approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), helps you look back at moments that hurt and shape what you wanted to say into “I” statements, and remembers past sessions so the next one picks up where you left off. Get the app

This guide shares mental wellness information. If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services where you are. Support and contact information.