Is low self-esteem something you're born with?

Although temperament has an effect, self-esteem also changes depending on experience. And rather than trying to raise your self-esteem score directly, it is better to change your attitude toward yourself when you fail.

What is the difference between self-compassion and self-justification?

Self-justification is trying not to see mistakes, and self-compassion is looking at mistakes clearly but not putting yourself down. In the experiment, people who remembered self-compassion were more motivated to correct their mistakes.

What can a self-esteem test tell you?

It can give you a rough picture of how you currently evaluate yourself, but your mood that day can affect the result. Use it to notice the situations in which your self-evaluation drops, rather than focusing only on a score.

Self-esteem and self-compassion: a different way to respond to yourself

CareOps editorial team · October 9, 2026 · 6 min read

General information and service guidance published by CareOps. This is not an individual diagnosis or treatment plan.

Translated from our Korean guide. Korean public services, insurance, and helpline numbers refer to South Korea. For urgent help elsewhere, contact local emergency services or a crisis line in your country.

On days when I do well, I seem like a good person, but on days when I make mistakes, I hit rock bottom. We are often told to increase our self-esteem, but on the days when we need it most, our self-esteem is the first to collapse. There is another route you can use in that case.

At a glance

Self-esteem is an evaluation of ‘Am I a good person?’, so it goes up and down depending on performance and comparison. Self-compassion is the attitude you have towards yourself when things don’t go well, so you can use it even on days of failure.
In the study, self-compassion was associated with a more stable sense of self-worth and less associated with comparing oneself to others or being defensive.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence. In an experiment, people who responded kindly to themselves after failure studied longer for their next test.

What does self-esteem mean and why is it difficult to raise it?

Self-esteem is an overall evaluation of how much you value yourself. If pride is closer to the face you try to keep in front of others, then self-esteem is closer to the score you give yourself even when you are alone.

The problem is that it is difficult to raise this score directly. A 2003 paper (Baumeister et al.) that extensively reviewed self-esteem research concluded that the evidence that increasing self-esteem improves grades, work performance, or relationships is weak. High self-esteem was more of a result than a cause of doing well.

Also, it is easy for self-esteem to be tied to conditions. Self-esteem, which relies on grades, appearance, and recognition, is shaken when those conditions are shaken. So, to protect our self-esteem, we compare ourselves to others, hide our mistakes, and become sensitive to criticism.

Self-Compassion: Three Elements

Self-compassion is a concept organized by psychologist Kristin Neff. When times are hard, it is treating me the way a good friend would treat me, and it consists of three elements.

Element	Meaning	Its opposite
Self-kindness	Responding with understanding instead of harshness in difficult moments	Self-criticism
Common humanity	Recognizing that failure and imperfection are shared human experiences	Feeling isolated: “It is just me”
Mindfulness	Noticing painful feelings without exaggerating or suppressing them	Becoming caught up in feelings

What is the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion?

	Self-esteem	Self-compassion
Question	Am I a good person?	How can I respond to myself in this difficult moment?
Conditions	Can depend on achievement or comparison	Available without conditions, including on difficult days
After failure	May drop	Particularly relevant in that moment
Comparison	Often involves comparison with others	Does not require comparison

In a study examining over 2,000 Dutch adults (Neff & Vonk, 2009), self-compassion predicted a more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem and was less related to social comparison, anger, and defensive attitudes. The relationship with narcissism that appeared in self-esteem did not appear in self-compassion.

Doesn’t self-compassion make you weak?

A common worry is, “If I am kind to myself, I will become lazy.” An experiment found the opposite: after failing a difficult test, participants prompted to practice self-compassion studied longer for the next test than those given a self-esteem boost (Breines & Chen, 2012). Self-criticism can make failure frightening to revisit; self-compassion can make room to learn from it.

It is also greatly related to mental health. In a meta-analysis (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012) that compiled and analyzed multiple studies, people with higher self-compassion had lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress (r=−0.54).

Five exercises to take care of your self-esteem

1. Talk as if you were talking to a friend

Write down what you would say to a close friend who made the same mistake. Then write down what you are saying to me right now. The temperature difference between the two sentences is something to practice.

2. One sentence: ‘It’s not just me.’

When you start to blame yourself, try adding, 'This happens to everyone.' This is not an excuse, but a confirmation of the facts. When your sense of isolation decreases, you have the power to fix the situation.

3. Naming your emotions

Instead of ‘I feel like a mess,’ try calling it a word like ‘I’m embarrassed’ or ‘I’m disappointed.’ If you give your emotions a name, you'll be less likely to be swayed by them. There is a form in How to write an emotional diary.

4. Reduce triggers for comparison

Comparison can be hard to stop through willpower alone. Try reducing the situations that trigger it: mute accounts that leave you feeling diminished, and put screens aside for 30 minutes before bed.

5. Keeping small promises with myself

Make and keep very small promises, such as ‘a glass of water in the morning’ or ‘walk for 5 minutes after lunch’. Experiencing me as a trustworthy person lasts longer than having nice things to say about me.

When you won't stop blaming yourself

If self-criticism takes up most of your day or leads to thoughts like, “I’d be better off gone,” don’t endure it alone. You can call the suicide prevention hotline at 109 (24 hours a day) or the mental health crisis hotline at 1577-0199.

How do I treat myself?

The Self-Compassion Test (SCS-SF) is a twelve-question questionnaire that shows how I treat myself in difficult moments. Rather than whether your score is high or low, use it to notice which moments are the harshest for you. You can try it right away without logging in.

Try a self-assessment without signing inSCS-SF · Self-compassionExplore how you respond to yourself in difficult timesStart the check →

Frequently asked questions

Is low self-esteem something you're born with?: Although temperament has an effect, self-esteem also changes depending on experience. And rather than trying to raise your self-esteem score directly, it is better to change your attitude toward yourself when you fail.
What is the difference between self-compassion and self-justification?: Self-justification is trying not to see mistakes, and self-compassion is looking at mistakes clearly but not putting yourself down. In the experiment, people who remembered self-compassion were more motivated to correct their mistakes.
What can a self-esteem test tell you?: It can give you a rough picture of how you currently evaluate yourself, but your mood that day can affect the result. Use it to notice the situations in which your self-evaluation drops, rather than focusing only on a score.

Sources

This article provides general information, not diagnosis or treatment. For urgent help, contact local emergency services or a crisis line in your country. In South Korea, the suicide prevention helpline is 109 (24 hours), and the mental health crisis line is 1577-0199.