Low empathy: what empathy means, emotional vs cognitive empathy, and how to build it

CareOps editorial team · October 28, 2026 · 10 min read

Mental wellness information and service guidance published by CareOps.

A friend started telling you about something that upset them, and before you knew it you said, “Then just do this.” Only when their face tightened did you realize what happened. Being told “You have no empathy” can sting, but empathy isn't something you simply have or lack; it's a set of abilities with several parts. Here is what empathy means, why it can look low and how you can build it.

What does empathy mean? #

Dictionaries describe empathy as feeling and understanding what another person feels or thinks as if from the inside. Empathic ability is the capacity to share and make sense of someone else's inner experience.

Researchers break this ability down further. Singer and Klimecki (2014) call the capacity to infer other people's thoughts, beliefs and intentions mentalizing (cognitive perspective taking), and the capacity to share another person's feelings empathy. They explain that in empathy we feel with someone while still knowing the feeling is theirs. When that line blurs and their emotion simply becomes ours, it is closer to emotional contagion than to empathy.

Emotional vs cognitive empathy: what's the difference? #

Emotional empathy is feeling along with someone, like your own heart aching when a friend cries. Cognitive empathy is understanding their thoughts and circumstances, like thinking, “From where they stand, it makes sense to feel that way.” A study comparing patients with brain injuries (Shamay-Tsoory et al., 2009) found that, depending on where the injury was, only one type of empathy was impaired, which supports the idea that the two rely on different brain systems.

A well-known questionnaire that measures empathy in several parts is Davis's (1983) Interpersonal Reactivity Index (IRI). This study of 1,344 male and female university students divided empathy into four parts and showed that each relates to different qualities. Leaving out “fantasy,” which reflects how much you get absorbed in fictional characters, the other three look like this.

As the table shows, empathy isn't one block where more is always better. If the part where you yourself become anxious at others' pain (personal distress) is large, it can actually make it harder to stay with the other person. So “lacking empathy” can mean quite different things depending on which part is hard.

Why empathy can look low #

There can be many things behind empathy that looks low. Below are reasons people often describe. Read them not to judge yourself or someone else but to guess where things are getting stuck right now.

• You're worn out: on days when you're short on sleep or chased by work and worries, there is less energy left to notice other people's feelings. Indifference in moments like these may say more about your state than your character.
• It's hard to notice your own feelings: empathy can begin by recalling a similar feeling inside yourself. A study of brain responses to seeing others in pain (Bird et al., 2010) found that the strength of that response was linked to how hard it is to notice and put feelings into words (alexithymia).
• You habitually jump to solutions: when you badly want to help, you may offer fixes before hearing the feeling. The care is there, but it only comes out as problem-solving.
• Other people's pain overwhelms you first: seeing someone struggle makes you more anxious, so you change the subject or step away.
• The relationship is already strained: empathy doesn't come easily toward someone you have long-standing hurt or conflict with. This often says more about the relationship than about your capacity for empathy.

For more on the second reason, see alexithymia: signs and causes. If, as in the fifth, the relationship itself feels heavy, see how to reduce relationship stress.

Is a lack of empathy an illness? #

Low empathy on its own is not a diagnosis. Difficulty with empathy can appear as one of several features when certain conditions are described, but a diagnosis depends on whether many features show up together over a long time, as assessed in a clinical visit. For example, little empathy is listed among the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, yet that alone can't make someone a narcissist. This difference is explained in narcissist traits and how to cope.

Difficulty with empathy is also sometimes mentioned alongside autism. But in the Bird et al. (2010) study above, once the degree of alexithymia was taken into account, there was no difference in empathy between the autistic and comparison groups. The researchers suggested that empathy difficulties seen in autism may be tied more to co-occurring alexithymic traits than to autism itself. So it's best not to conclude that someone has “no” empathy from outward behavior alone.

Compassion fatigue: when caring wears you out #

Sometimes the problem is the opposite: too much empathy. Compassion fatigue is a term Figley (2002) described among people in helping professions, referring to a form of burnout that comes as the cost of giving care and empathy over a long time. Similar exhaustion can also affect people who look after a sick family member for years or who are always the one listening to everyone's worries.

In one training study (Klimecki et al., 2014), practicing resonating with others' suffering increased negative feelings, and then practicing warm wishes for the other person's wellbeing (compassion) reversed that increase and raised reported positive feelings. The researchers suggested that practicing compassion may be a way to cope with the distress that empathy can bring. If compassion fatigue has built up, rather than shutting empathy off, you might shift the weight from hurting along with someone to warmly wishing them well, and protect time to rest. For ways to care for a worn-out mind, see how to recover from burnout.

How to build empathy: five practices to start today #

Empathy is also a way of speaking. If the care is there but the words get stuck, these practices can gradually widen the path between you and the other person.

1. Name your own feelings first: once a day, put a name to what you feel, such as “I'm hurt right now” or “I'm a little anxious.” The more you notice your own feelings, the easier it becomes to understand others'. See naming emotions for how.
2. Try reflecting statements: pick out the feeling and the situation in what the other person said and give it back to them, such as “You must have been really upset that the presentation went badly” or “Anyone would feel wronged hearing that.”
3. Ask one open question: instead of a solution, offer one question that lets them say more, such as “How did you feel then?” or “What's the hardest part?”
4. Hold judgment and solutions for a moment: when words like “Well, that's your fault” or “Just do this” come to mind, swallow them once and wait until the person has finished. Ask at the end whether they want ideas.
5. Write one sentence from their side: think of something that hurt you and write a sentence like “From their side, they may have done that because of ___.” It isn't about agreeing they were right; it's practice in widening your view.

In the same situation, your first words change how the other person feels. Below are examples comparing jumping to a solution with reflecting first.

Reflecting and open questions are basic listening skills used in counseling. They may feel awkward at first but become natural with a little practice. For ways to steady yourself first when strong feelings come up, see how to regulate emotions.

Is there an empathy test? #

Research uses questionnaires like the IRI above that ask about empathy in several parts. Still, a single score from a short online “empathy test” can't settle whether you are an empathic person. Reflecting on the questions below is usually more useful for finding where to practice.

• When someone shares something hard, do you usually offer solutions or ask about their feelings first?
• When you see someone struggling, do you get anxious and want to avoid it?
• Lately, do you have room to notice others' feelings, or are you worn out?
• Can you easily put a name to your own feelings?

If you'd like a place to practice these conversations #

Empathy grows more by actually speaking than by studying it alone. CareOps Maeumi is an AI counseling app that runs sessions with approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). You can look back at conversations where empathy got stuck, name your own feelings and rehearse the first words you'll say next time. It remembers past sessions so the next one picks up where you left off. Get the app

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